Jamie's Rants And Things

My mate has no hands. I feel for him.
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There's nothing more ironic than seeing a wet floor sign that has fallen over.
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After twenty years of marriage, my wife said there's nothing I could do that would shock her. So I tasered the bitch.
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My girlfriend has suggested we film ourselves having sex. She's come up with a storyline and a script. I'm a little concerned, I've only got a small part.
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Unicorns do exist. Only they're fat, grey and we call them rhinos.
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Why is Christmas just like being at work? You do all the work and the fat bloke with the suit gets all the credit.
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Wanted dead or alive: Schrödinger's cat.
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My girlfriend has got broody and started asking when are we going to have a baby. I said, “What about all the shit and piss, the vomit, the smell and the screaming in the middle of the night? Is that really the sort of environment to bring a baby into?”
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A woman attacks the pope, a man that believes in an all seeing power who's son turned water into wine and could walk on water, and SHE'S the mental one? Hang on a minute…
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Just think – the old homeless guy who sits outside my local station doesn't know what it's like to have a full tummy on Christmas Day. But he will do this Friday, thanks to me – . . . . . . I'm gonna go down there and tell him.
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I start my job at a restaurant tomorrow, but I don't think I'll be very good. I'm excited though. I can't wait.
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It was my local church's Christmas panto last night. I haven't enjoyed myself so much in years! I didn't go.
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Scotland Yard have caught an Irishman planting a bomb in London. They arrested him whilst he was watering it.
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I bought a carpet off this girl I've been dating. We broke up, but at least I got a good shag.
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I went to bed a lonely person…. but I couldn't find one, so went to bed alone instead
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After twenty years of marriage, my wife said there's nothing I could do that would shock her. So I tasered the bitch.